uphill, downhill, everywhere.

thats what my emotions are these two days.

terrible feelings.

lost.

contradictions.

isolation.

crying.

feeling as though its the end of the world.

worried about making wrong choices.

felt like giving up everything.

and so many many things that i dont know what else describe it.

i guess, i'm just like a crab, strong on the outside, emotional on the inside.

a colleague told me ytd that she feels i'm a strong person..

yet i know deep down i'm not.

i'm just like a crab. :/

after talking it through with my mom,

i guess, i have more or less an idea what to do this two months or so.

but yet, i dont know if things will work out again..

i dont dare to step out, worried that every step i take is the wrong choice that i'll regret sooner or later. i'm thinking back to where i left sec sch... why i ended up taking biotech in poly.

and should i continue with in that direction..

whether i still have a passion for it.

my mind is mixed up..

my feelings are mixed up.

it has been like a roller coaster ride.

i know i told everyone i'm okay, i'm surviving in school.

but deep down, i know i'm not enjoying it anymore.

the moment i step into school, i start counting down to the hours left.

how do i enjoy going to school again?

is it the course or is it just me being naughty, not wanting to go to school.

what, tell me..

i need answers, yet i know only i have the answer to all the questions that i have.

but yet again, i cant decide on the answer myself.

its like liking it yet hating it at the same time.

is this what love is? or what passion is?

loving and hating together?

or am i in the wrong mindset afterall.

anyway, i'm sorry if i worry anyone out there.

I think its just a phase where i need to go through it now.

i think i just rushed into going into university last year.

didnt think of the things that i want.

i just told myself last year that i can survive uni.

but surviving and doing what i really want is different right?

now, i dont want to force myself into doing things that i dont want to do anymore.

not that i'm finding the easy way out.

its just, not appealing to me anymore.

i wonder why am i so upset with it.

somehow, i have a feeling that i had made up my mind.

yet, i keep telling myself that it might be a wrong choice.

sigh.

maybe i should just stop thinking about it for awhile.

let my mind roam free and easy.

maybe then i'll find a solution or an answer to what i want.

bye.